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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26445736">ounce of prevention, worth a pound of cure</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungbinsung/pseuds/seungbinsung'>seungbinsung</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Drinking Games, Exes, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mentioned Past Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Past Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin - Freeform, minor nsfw but nothing explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:47:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,115</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26445736</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungbinsung/pseuds/seungbinsung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungmin and Jisung dated for almost four years. Two years after their breakup, they’re invited to a social experiment to play a round of "Truth or Drink" where they answer a series of uncomfortable questions and if they can't answer, they'll have to take a shot. Things unravel quickly when emotions take over and alcohol drives their feelings forward.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>208</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>ounce of prevention, worth a pound of cure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <span class="small">this fic is inspired by <a href="https://youtu.be/NGmE9LVnfYI">seungsung's cover duet</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJic7bfGlo3qgrRJsCm5RbtOxZ8Q5WSr_">CUT's truth or drink</a> on youtube.</span>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>trip down memory lane</b></p><p>Seungmin has a set schedule. He wakes up, contemplates his life while staring at his ceiling, takes a shower, grabs whatever meal was ready for him to eat on the go, then he’ll be off to a library where he’ll grind through studying and preparing for his bar exam. He’ll eat lunch with other students who are just as tired as him, and probably close to another breakdown. When the day is over, he’ll eat dinner (usually takeout), take a shower if he’s feeling it, then he’s back to his bed, contemplating about his life yet <em>again</em>, before falling asleep, only to repeat the next day.</p><p>That’s his fixed schedule for weekdays. </p><p>On weekends, Seungmin heads out of his apartment, the same routine in the morning, except he heads out to the firm he used to intern at. He doesn’t work there anymore, he just sits in. An associate had advised him to do so, letting him know that there is an opportunity for him to work there once he passed his exams and final checks for validity. </p><p>That day was different from other weekends though. Because on any other ordinary weekends, Felix won't be sitting on the bench next to the stairs, waving at him.</p><p>He met Felix when they were lost on-campus in their first year of university. Lucky for them, Seungmin knew the abbreviations of the university buildings well to guide Felix to the right building. After Seungmin helped them find their class, it seemed that the universe wanted them to meet again when Seungmin unknowingly sat next to them in his next class. And since then, they were inseparable.</p><p>“Why are you here?” Seungmin asks, after giving them a brief hug. “Got me food?”</p><p>“Yeah actually, I heard you still don’t cook after… well you know.” Felix hands Seungmin the packed lunch. “I prepared it, so eat it well."</p><p>"Thanks, Lix." Felix hums, still standing in front of him. "Is there anything else, you wanted to say?"</p><p>"Uh, you remember Jisung? That's stupid, of course you remember him, he's your ex." Felix laughs to themself, but Seungmin finds no amusement. "Jisung wants to relay a message to you.”</p><p>Seungmin stares blankly at Felix, unsure of what to say or how to even react upon hearing his ex-boyfriend's name. </p><p>“Jisung has a message for me?” Seungmin repeats. His tone comes out more intrigued than how he anticipated. In all considerations, it has been almost two years (maybe even past two years— who keeps up when your ex breaks up with you anyway?) since he last spoke to him, or even utter his name. Felix nods their head. “What did he say?”</p><p>“He’s doing a video with me and Hyunjin.”</p><p>“And why are you telling me this?” </p><p>“So we have that social experiment we upload every second Thursday of the month, right?” they explain, Seungmin nods, even though he’s not entirely sure which ones were posted on those Thursdays. Usually, Hyunjin or Felix would share a link and those are the videos he would willingly watch. He watches them when he's overwhelmed with work, it's a decent getaway, but also very distracting. Whenever Seungmin clicks on one video, he ends up scrolling through more and whatever task he was supposed to be finishing won't be touched until it's late at night and he forces himself to close the website. “Well, we ran out of people to ask so we wanted to invite Jisung for it and he said he’d do it but, he wants to do it with you.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, let's backtrack here. What’s Thursday’s video?”</p><p>“Exes play truth or drink?” Felix says, shrinking their body down to submit to Seungmin.</p><p>The younger almost laughs, “Yeah, like I’d ever drink with him and talk about—” Felix quirks an eyebrow, stopping Seungmin. “Whatever, I got work to do.”</p><p>“Wait, Seungmin, don’t go in yet, please?”</p><p>“I haven’t heard anything from him for—almost? Past? I don’t know—two years,” Seungmin exasperates. “Why would he suddenly want <em>me </em>to do it? I’m doing better.”</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>Seungmin ignores them, “I don’t have time for this. If he needs me, he can text me.”</p><p>“You have him blocked on Instagram and Twitter, remember?” Seungmin stops, pursing his lips. “He also thinks you blocked his number, that’s why he asked me.”</p><p>“I don’t have him blocked on <em>Twitter</em>,” Seungmin pouts, pushing Felix to the side away from the entrance doors. “I just muted him but I do have him blocked on Instagram.”</p><p>“Why did he choose me out of all his exes?”</p><p>“You know, you were his only long-term, serious relationship.”</p><p>“Good for him!” Seungmin says in aggravance. “Doesn’t he have a new boyfriend now?” (He doesn’t keep track, really, <em>that’s</em> just what ticked him into blocking Jisung on Instagram.) “That’d be pretty awkward, don’t you think?”</p><p>“Changbin?” Felix asks, Seungmin shrugs, but he knows exactly that his name is Changbin Seo. <em>Instagram user seobins, </em>he grimaces. “No, they never dated. They <em>went </em>on a few dates, but they were never official, and they’re just friends now.”</p><p>“You can’t be friends with your exes.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know. You learned that the hard way,” Felix mumbles, but clear enough for Seungmin to hear. He throws them a glare, and they immediately back down. Felix can't fight Seungmin with fire, when Seungmin is already the fire, so instead, they pout at him, “Please?”</p><p>“I’m not going to do him a favour.”</p><p>“You’re not doing Jisung a favour,” Felix tells him. “I’m asking as your best friend.”</p><p>“Are you seriously pulling the best friend card right now?” Felix shrugs, pouting slightly even more at him. </p><p>Seungmin seethes. He has to find a reason—he doesn’t want to see Jisung, or do <em>anything </em>with him. Not that he’s not over him, he <em>has </em>moved on. He just thinks it would be awkward for them to even talk. Two years is a long time, but almost four years of dating is even longer, and throwing away six years of friendship on top of that.</p><p>“I’m working and I have an exam to prepare for. My future is on the line. I’m not gonna fall back in a hole, wishing to go back in the past while I’m sipping alcohol with my ex, possibly accidentally confessing repressed feelings.”</p><p>“So you admit you’re not over him?” </p><p>Seungmin stares at them, retracing his words. “I have to go.”</p><p>“It’s for half a day next weekend.” Felix tells him before he walks away again. They come closer to his ear, piercely whispering as if wary that the boy they’re talking about could hear, “I didn’t want to ask Chris because he’s still kind of crying over Minho, I know I’ve seen him.” Then, with their normal voice, “That would be <em>very </em>messy.”</p><p>“You say that like Jisung and I won’t be messy,” Seungmin snorts. </p><p>“It’s time, Seungmin,” they say more seriously. “It’s been two years. Maybe this is just the last thing you need for that final closure.”</p><p>“I’ve moved on.”</p><p>“Don’t do that to yourself,” Felix simply says. A couple more associates walked in the building, some greeting Seungmin briefly, asking if he was coming in, he tells them in just a couple minutes. “You just admitted things earlier and I know you well enough to know your tell when you’re lying.”</p><p>Seungmin bites his lip. He knows Felix well, but they know him even more. Part of him still wants to say no, but Felix held a strong argument. Maybe this will be the final closure he needed to move on, to let go. Maybe even say all the things he’s always wanted to tell Jisung, the ones he was never able to tell him when they were dating, and things he still wanted to say after they broke up.</p><p>He looks for his keycard, ignoring the voice in his head that's persuading him to say yes (he realizes that voice was just the person in front of him). </p><p>“Felix,” Seungmin sighs, stopping them from walking down the stairs. “I’ll do it, just…” he pauses again, “If something goes wrong, I don’t know what to do. We already ended in a kind of bad term, I don't—" he groans, angry at himself for never being able fo say what he wants when it comes to Jisung.</p><p>Felix punches his shoulder softly, “You know I’ll always be there for you. You can stop the experiment anytime and I’ll tell Hyun to stop.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Okay, you’ll do it?”</p><p>Seungmin fights back the urge to roll his eyes, “Yes, Lix. I’ll be there.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Seungmin arrived too early. He knew Jisung would either be right on time for the calls or a couple minutes late. That was always his move. But Seungmin wants to use the time being to prepare himself, look around the studio to familiarize himself, so he doesn't get off track, or get distracted by the room once Jisung and he start talking. </p><p>(Also if anything goes wrong—which he's sure something will—Seungmin can easily find his way out.)</p><p>“Nervous?” Felix asks while powdering Seungmin’s cheek for the camera. </p><p>He chokes out a laugh, “I’m fine.”</p><p>It’s not a complete lie. He <em>is</em> fine, but at the same, the dreadful countdown to this day has made him far more nervous than necessary. He hopes that when Jisung walks in the doors, he’ll finally be able to drain the puke on his throat, to shake the nerves out. Who knew waiting for your ex-boyfriend could be so nerve wracking? </p><p>The past week was filled with faded memories of dating Jisung. Seungmin had tried to repress every memory he had with Jisung, even the happy ones— actually <em> especially </em> the happy ones. He thinks that if he dwells on the good memories that he won’t ever be able to move on. Frankly, that didn’t work in his favour. Every chance he had when he’s too distracted to read something, every mundane thing he did, there was a vivid, short memory flashing right before him of how they were as friends, but more importantly as boyfriends, and it didn’t exactly help him prepare for this day at all. In fact, it only made him more anxious, afraid of the words that could come out with every question. (The alcohol is not very promising, but at least once he’s intoxicated, he would be too drunk to give a damn on what he says.)</p><p>“Calm down,” Felix tells him, bringing him back to reality instead of spiraling down memory lane again. “He’ll come.”</p><p>“What made you think I was thinking about him?”</p><p>“I'm your best friend, 'course I know,” they smirk. “You’ll be fine.”</p><p>Seungmin really does hope so.</p><p>The door to the studio opens wide, the loud <em>bang</em> sending him eight years ago. Seungmin freezes again, Felix smiles, softly squeezing his hand. “Is it him?” he asks, afraid to turn around on his chair.</p><p>“See for yourself,” Felix bids, setting their brushes down. <em> “Hyun! Jisung’s here!” </em></p><p> </p><p><b>august, eight years ago<br/>
</b> <b>building bridges</b></p><p>Seungmin was sitting on the second row of their English class, writing the notes his professor was carefully explaining when the door swung wide open. There stood Jisung Han, breathing unevenly and a cup of large coffee in his hand. Normally, no one would care if someone came in late to class, <em> but </em> if they were as loud as Jisung’s pull, unaware that the door wasn't heavy unlike other lecture hall’s doors, everyone would look at you (and by everyone, it meant <em> even </em> the professor had stopped teaching the class).</p><p>“Sorry,” he mumbled, searching for a spot. When he made eye contact with Seungmin, he silently asked if he could sit at the only close free spot, which was next to him. Seungmin nodded, biting a smile before the professor continued on his lesson.</p><p>“I’m Jisung,” he told him, his breath smelled of the half cup of coffee he quickly put down on the table.</p><p>“Seungmin,” he whispered back, sliding some of his notes for Jisung to copy. Quickly, Jisung took out his phone, snapping a few shots of the notes. </p><p>“You have a really neat handwriting.”</p><p>“Do you really wanna get in trouble again?” Seungmin snorted, collecting his notes back once Jisung pockets his phone once again.</p><p>“He can’t hear me.” Just as he said that, the professor looked at their direction again. He apologized non-verbally while Seungmin snickered on the side. </p><p>“Guess he did hear you after all.” </p><p>Jisung playfully slapped him on the shoulder.</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>truth is stranger than fiction</b></p><p>“Hey,” Jisung says, now directly behind him. Seungmin turns around, but upon seeing him, he becomes more frozen, unable to even open his mouth. Jisung looks around, fidgeting as Seungmin stares right at him with a blank expression. “I’m not late, am I?”</p><p>Jisung has changed. Not in a bad way, he just physically looks older and compared to university, his hair has finally found peace with the dark brown shade. His outfit also doesn't scream "I just moved out of my parents' house and now I'm wearing whatever the fuck I want" and settled for a nice t-shirt and jeans. Sure, he's seen Jisung when Felix or Hyunjin would invite them both, but it never goes beyond a silent acknowledgement of each other from across the room. For Seungmin, it meant a mission to be anywhere but a talking distance away from Jisung. So seeing Jisung up close now is the first opportunity Seungmin had to carefully study how he changed. At least, physically.</p><p>Felix is the first to say something. They pull Seungmin’s wrist, checking the time on his watch. Jisung is two minutes late, but Felix lies for him anyway. Seungmin pulls his sweater down, barely catching the small smile that tugs on the end of Jisung’s lips at the sight of the familiar item. </p><p>“No, not at all, hey,” Felix responds on behalf of Seungmin, opening their arms to give Jisung a hug. He chuckles, ruffling Felix’s hair through the hug, “Ah! Don’t mess my hair up!”</p><p>“What?” he laughs, “It’s not like you’re the one who’s going to be sitting in front of the camera.”</p><p>Felix deadpans as they attempt to fix their hair from Seungmin’s mirror, “You okay?”</p><p>Seungmin’s head shoots from Jisung to Felix, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”</p><p>He expects a smart-mouthed comeback from Jisung, but when he stays quiet, Seungmin is unsure if he’s relieved that he doesn’t try acting like nothing has changed, but also disappointed that he did act like nothing changed. Perhaps, he misses their friendship. No—he <em> does </em> miss their friendship. That Seungmin could admit without alcohol the very least.</p><p>At first, Seungmin categorized Jisung as those friends you have in class— like the people you meet, work together in that particular class, but once you pass and finish the term, you won't talk to each other anymore. Obviously that wasn't the case with him. Right after walking out their English class, Jisung began a conversation with Seungmin out of the room, complaining about the miserable lecture. Seungmin wondered if he had a next class to go to, but he doesn't ask, enjoying Jisung's presence until they're standing in front of Seungmin's next lecture. </p><p>(“Here,” Jisung grinned, handing his phone to Seungmin. “Put your number in, I have much more stories to tell.” Seungmin thought about giving him a wrong number, after all he could be a stalker, but Seungmin was a university student applying for law school. He feared almost nothing except the terrors of failing to get into law school and his experience to be. So, he gave him his number, and henceforth long nights and hours of texting.)</p><p>“Do you guys have water?” Seungmin asks.</p><p>“I can get you some,” Felix offers. </p><p>“No, no. I can grab them my—” they already left, “—self.”</p><p>Jisung chuckles walking past him to sit on the chair with his name on the back, “They’re still the same, huh?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“They were basically our cupid,” Jisung shrugs. A failure of a cupid if they were brutally honest. “Always leaving us alone, finding excuses to bring themself and Hyunjin out of the picture.”</p><p>Seungmin hums, recalling the memories. </p><p> </p><p><b>march, six years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>good for the soul</b></p><p>He doesn’t quite remember everything Felix did in university for them to be a couple. But he does remember how Felix would always say something, do <em> anything </em>that would leave the two behind to spend time together, just like what Jisung had mentioned. It wasn’t awkward; they <em>were</em> friends so hanging out wasn't a problem. The problem only occurred when Felix told Seungmin: </p><p>“It’s been two years of flirting with bros at the end of your sentences. I think I’m actually starting to be homophobic because of you two.” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Jisung and I aren't flirting?” </p><p>Felix stared at him blankly <em> and </em> disappointed, “Dude, <em> when </em>are you gonna stop denying your feelings for him?”</p><p>And since then, it was awkward. Instead of playing off the flirting as platonic, Seungmin started to wonder if Jisung had meant them to be romantic. He wasn’t exactly keen to keeping secrets— he told Seungmin almost immediately that he was gay, but he never once told Seungmin if he actually meant it whenever he flirted with him. </p><p>If there was one thing Jisung was unsure about, it was Seungmin’s feelings. He asked him why he was being off distant lately, to which Seungmin had tons of made up excuses— studying, feeling under the weather, a cold, just not feeling it, Felix invited him somewhere, and lots more. That only went on for a week though (Seungmin prepared himself for far more than necessary. Again, ending terribly on his part) because Felix was still taunting Seungmin and he wasn’t taking any of it. </p><p>“Then confess,” Felix dared.</p><p>And so he did.</p><p>(Not the ideal way since he just kept rambling on about Jisung’s features—physically and personality wise—listing down things he liked about him. Jisung was too unhinged that he just hugged Seungmin. That’s when he softly told him that he liked him. And needless to say, Jisung liked him back.)</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>bite the bullet</b></p><p>“Seungminnie!” the ex-couple hears and they throw their heads back to greet the owner of the voice. Hyunjin grins at them, his arms open wide. Seungmin laughs, running to give Hyunjin a hug, “Ah, I missed you.”</p><p>“I missed you, too,” Seungmin mumbles, closing his eyes, “It’s been so long.”</p><p>It hasn’t been <em> that </em> long, but compared to the past, Seungmin saw Hyunjin quite a lot. Hyunjin is Jisung’s best friend, so he hung out with Hyunjin quite a lot whenever Jisung dragged him along. Then, after their breakup, it was hard to see Hyunjin without the awkwardness that it entails (same goes for Felix and Jisung). Sure, Hyunjin and Felix are dating, but they would only invite one or the other over every now and then— some sort of an unwritten rule to not invite them at the same time to avoid chaos at all costs. Plus, Seungmin has busied himself with studying and is pressured by his dream career an arm-length away. He’s sure Jisung is busy, too. He was kept up to date with his doing until he muted his name and account so he doesn’t see him on the timeline (which just means he manually looks for Jisung’s profile— totally still convincing himself that he’s <em> over </em>Jisung).</p><p>(Also, Seungmin had requested that rule from everyone so maybe it is written, but Jisung doesn’t need to know about it.)</p><p>“How are you?”</p><p>Hyunjin pouts at him, “You can always visit us, you know?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m just busy.” </p><p>Seungmin sees Jisung tense up at the words, crashing a sudden wave of forbidden memories. Jisung compared to Seungmin, is more stoic about his emotions on how they ended their relationship. He wonders if the two years they haven’t seen each other would be enough for Jisung to finally reveal his true feelings, but when he gets up, a huge smile on his face, Seungmin knew then that nothing has changed.</p><p>Felix comes back just in time to break the silence, throwing a bottle of water at Seungmin. (“Think fast!” “What?”) “Did I miss something?”</p><p>“Not really,” Jisung answers. “But my best friend seemed to have completely missed me.”</p><p>“We saw each other yesterday, brat,” Seungmin hears Hyunjin mumble as they hug. </p><p>He looks at himself in the mirror once more before he’s guided down to the set by Hyunjin, Jisung and Felix falling behind so Felix could apply base makeup on him.</p><p>The set was simple, a white backdrop, rolling past the camera equipment and to the rest of the technical team. There were two black chairs and a wooden plank table, set up like a date. Three bottles of alcohol to choose from on one end, two shot glasses set on opposite sides with the chairs and a pile of cards across the alcohol, towards the camera.</p><p>Seungmin takes the seat on the left of the studio, opposite from where they were coming from so Jisung doesn’t have to walk past him when he arrives with Felix. </p><p>Once they were all on set, Felix asks, “You ready?” with way too much enthusiasm in their voice. Hyunjin tucks them to his side, afraid that if he doesn’t, Felix would be all over the set. </p><p>The couple has been one of the many supporters of Seungmin and Jisung’s relationship—by many that meant really just the two of them.</p><p>Felix may be the one that pushed the two to finally confess, but Hyunjin was behind all of it. He was the first to be aware of their feelings, the mastermind to push the two together, Felix was just the executioner. It’s no wonder how they end up dating, they fit perfectly with each other. Not only did they push Seungmin to confess, but Felix watched Seungmin be in absolute satisfaction and home in Jisung’s embrace. They also saw Seungmin completely out of touch with reality the moment he lost Jisung.</p><p>Seungmin suddenly feels his body stiffen— maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Knowing that the couple worked on the questions, Seungmin realizes then that he's unprepared for questions that would most likely bring out the dried out wounds, just waiting to be pricked before the blood gushes out. But he can't back out now, especially when Jisung is staring at him intensely. </p><p>“Yeah,” they say in sync. </p><p>“Once I count from three, you two will introduce yourselves, tell us when you two broke up, what it was like or how long, just basic stuff,” Hyunjin says, looking at the two from the camera’s view. “Got it?” </p><p>The two nod once more, anticipating Hyunjin’s count. Jisung shifts in his seat. Seungmin takes that opportunity to lend out his hand, something they've always done to comfort one another when they were in a relationship. Jisung only stares at his open hand. He realizes they were probably not at that stage yet, so he slowly retracts, but Jisung grabs his hand quickly before it was off the table. He gives his hand a squeeze, and lets go just on time for the camera to start rolling.</p><p>Jisung watches Seungmin start it off with a smile to the camera, “Hi, I’m Seungmin.”</p><p>“And, I’m Jisung, we used to date, but we broke up two years ago?” Jisung crunches his nose, thinking of the years.</p><p>“You don't even know,” the younger confidently smirks, chuckling softly.</p><p>Jisung tries to return the smile, “No, no, I <em> do </em> know, I just try not to remind myself.”</p><p>Seungmin is the first to drop the smile. Before he falls into a complete devastation, he thinks back to Hyunjin’s advice on what to talk about.</p><p>“We dated for almost four years.”</p><p>“Would you just call it dating?”</p><p>“What else would you call it?”</p><p>“We lived together for a year and a half,” Jisung says, breaking a smile, “I’d say we were <em> domestic </em>dating.”</p><p>Seungmin laughs at the attempt, shaking his head, and turning towards Felix who asks, “What’s your relationship like now?”</p><p>“We don't really talk anymore. I'm still friends with some of his and vice versa, they just never invite us together in fear of… overstepping.”</p><p>“But we see each other sometimes. It’s hard to not see each other when our best friends are dating,” Jisung agrees, and then smirking he says, “Also, his mom loves me.” Felix snorts from behind the camera, glad that the microphones aren't able to catch them.</p><p>To start the experiment, they were given a chance to pour each other a shot; Seungmin picked the vodka, knowing that’s just Jisung’s type, filling it to the brim. Jisung takes a second before he picks up the Fireball. Though, unlike Seungmin, he stops only halfway through the shot glass.</p><p>“That’s unfair!” Jisung pouts. Seungmin just laughs, telling him that he could still fill his drink to the brim too, but Jisung just shakes his head.</p><p>“You never liked alcohol when we were dating and that’s why I can’t believe you still agreed to this,” he hands the shot to Seungmin.</p><p>The latter just shakes his head, taking the drink carefully towards Jisung’s side of the table, “I never said I never liked alcohol, I just prefer other drinks when available. Plus, things change,” he looks up at Jisung, and gritting through his teeth, he adds, <em>“I’ve</em> changed.”</p><p>Jisung stares at him with awe, “Yeah,” he nods, “Yeah, I guess so.” He lifts the shot carefully, still spilling some on his fingers, “Cheers?”</p><p>Their glasses touch, and one shot down.</p><p>They put the glasses down the table in sync, scrunching their faces as they feel the alcohol sting down their throats, obviously not used to drinking hard liquor anymore ever since Seungmin has been more focused on studying for his future career, while Jisung is no longer a free man controlling his hours with his current career.</p><p>They quickly play a round of rock, paper, scissors to choose who goes first. Seungmin shoots a paper, while Jisung reigns with his scissors  </p><p>“Why did we break up?” Jisung reads out loud, chuckling softly. “We’re getting <em> right </em>into it, huh?”</p><p>Seungmin doesn’t waste a second to answer the question, bitterness still audible in his tone. “He broke up with me.”</p><p>Jisung nods, a sheepish grin on his face, staring down at the card that he just read off of, refusing to look at Seungmin as he explains how they ended things.</p><p>“We were getting distant, I was busy a lot, and I neglected to pay attention to him. I guess, it was just a matter of time before we admitted that we had to let go. Investing so much time into a relationship really holds back long-term couples. </p><p>“But I’m glad we ended it before we got toxic,” Jisung snaps his head up. Seungmin has never said that, not that he had an opportunity to when Jisung didn’t try to keep in touch with him.</p><p>Seungmin recalls it easily like any other memory he had with Jisung. He remembered Jisung holding his hands tightly for one second and the next, he was left alone in their apartment. He remembers clearly how heavy his heart felt when he heard the door click and his sobs echoed in the room alone. The pain was still sharp because it was still there, he thinks, it still hurt to end things with the person you’re still in love with.</p><p><em> Fuck</em>, he needs another shot.</p><p>Seungmin finishes the question, by picking up the next card on cue, “How long did it take you to get over us and what did you do to get there?”</p><p>Jisung thinks for a while, but in the end, he picks up a bottle and pours a shot for himself.</p><p>“Already?!”</p><p>The older shrugs, picking up the glass and drinking the shot, a sound of disgust coming out of his mouth before he quickly mumbles, “I’m ready to get buzzed, Minnie.”</p><p>Seungmin stays quiet at the nickname. He hasn’t heard that nickname for a long time because Jisung was the only one who called him that. Well, at least the <em>first </em>to call him with that nickname so he doesn’t let anyone call him that. Not to make it sound like Jisung <em> owned </em>the nickname, but moreso that whenever Seungmin hears that name, Jisung would be the first to come in his mind and he was emotionally unstable whenever he remembers anything about Jisung for the first few months that naturally, the nickname was forgotten, just like he hoped Jisung would be in his memories.</p><p>“Sorry, it slipped.”</p><p>Seungmin shakes his head and urges Jisung to pick up a card quickly to move on from the awkward silence. He can already feel the couple behind the camera alerting each other, worried about what’s up next. </p><p>Luckily, it was an easy question.</p><p>“What did your friends and or family think of me?” </p><p>Seungmin grins at Jisung, “He knows this but they <em> all </em>loved him. I mean, our best friends were kind of rooting for us, weren’t they?” Behind the camera, Hyunjin snorts.</p><p>Jisung agrees, “Yeah and my parents still kinda have a hidden boyfriend crush—would you call it that?—on Seungmin,” he laughs solely to himself, “I’m pretty sure they thought we were gonna get married at some point.”</p><p>Seungmin doesn’t say anything except, “Fuck, I think I’m gonna need a shot for that.”</p><p>“You can,” Felix says, now sitting down as they watch the ex-couple intensely on the monitor, making sure the graphics are coming through just fine. They turn their head to face them in real life, “We don’t have a rule against that.”</p><p>Seungmin shrugs, picking up a bottle and downing a shot.</p><p> </p><p><b>june, six years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>blessing in disguise</b></p><p>Jisung met Seungmin’s parents <em> four </em> months after the two started dating. It wasn’t planned, but Seungmin’s sister was getting married. They <em> insisted </em>that Seungmin brought a date so he decided to bring Jisung long before he became his boyfriend (Felix was going home to Korea and Jisung was the next person he was close to). </p><p>He thought he could maybe keep Jisung as his boyfriend a secret, but he still knew that his family would bombard his boyfriend with questions. Jisung didn’t find anything wrong with it. In fact, he was thrilled to meet Seungmin’s parents while the latter was on the other end of the spectrum—petrified, hoping to not bring him anywhere near his family. At least not four months into dating.</p><p>“Hey,” Jisung said, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, “It’s fine. If anything, this will just be my way to see cute baby pictures of you.” Seungmin jabbed his stomach with his elbow, making him grunt but Jisung kept his arms wrapped around him, resting his chin on Seungmin’s shoulder,  “I promise, it will be fine.”</p><p>“I know, I’m just,” Seungmin paused, “It’s during summer, and it’d be really hot out on the beach.”</p><p>“You know, I love summer,” Jisung pouted, “Min, tell me what’s the real problem?”</p><p>He sighed, “I don’t want them to ruin this.”</p><p>“This, you mean <em> us?”</em> Jisung asked, turning his boyfriend’s face towards him. “Is it your mother I have to worry about? Because, I should tell you, moms love me.”</p><p>“Yes and no, and also, she’s different,” Seungmin grumped. “She’s very particular and she’s kind of crazy and that’s coming from her son.”</p><p>“I’m not here to date your family, Minnie. Crazy or not, I already have first-hand experience here,” Seungmin jabbed him on the stomach again. “Now, what did you mean by no?”</p><p>Seungmin froze. “It’s a <em> wedding</em>, Ji. There will be vows, a lot of couples, and my whole family and extended relatives. We <em> just </em> started dating and I don’t know, I feel like it’s going too fast.”</p><p>Jisung almost laughed, pulling his boyfriend closer. “You're worried about that? Min, we’re <em> attendees </em>of the wedding, not the ones getting married.” Seungmin rolled his eyes once more, but Jisung only smiled, “We’ll be okay.”</p><p>Surprisingly enough, despite his mother’s crazy antics, the whole family seemed to be fond of Jisung. He was never hard to like anyway, he had a charming, loud and witty personality, though Seungmin still will never admit that. Not even after they broke up.</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>ignorance is bliss</b></p><p>“Is there anything you want to apologize for?” Seungmin puts the card down softly.</p><p>Jisung’s voice came out softer than Seungmin expected, “I have a lot to apologize for.”</p><p>“You gotta stop tearing yourself down, Ji.”</p><p>Jisung ignores him, “I’m gonna apologize for ignoring that but I also want to apologize for not trying harder, for giving up, for not being there with you, for— you know what, I’m gonna take a shot.”</p><p>It wasn’t true, Jisung did try. In fact, it felt like Jisung had tried harder than Seungmin. Whenever there was a disagreement, he would be the first to put his guard down. Seungmin was stubborn, but as the year changed, Seungmin grew with him. Two years into dating, and it was evident that the two would try to please each other rather than favouring one over the other. After all, no relationship can thrive for almost four years if the two people in it are stubborn and would refuse to admit their mistakes.</p><p>Jisung bites the inside of his cheek. Something Seungmin had pointed out whenever Jisung doesn’t want to do something or if he’s nervous about the possible outcome. </p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>His ex-boyfriend looks at him, clearing his throat before saying, “Where do you see us in ten years?”</p><p>Seungmin doesn’t even try to hide it. His move soon as the card is read, is to pick up a bottle from the side. Jisung stares at him intensely, as he takes the shot. He now realizes why Jisung hesitated to read the card out loud earlier.</p><p>“Is that because you see us in ten years or the opposite?”</p><p>“Can I take another shot to <em> not </em>answer that?”</p><p>Hyunjin nods so Seungmin pours himself another shot.</p><p>Three shots in and Seungmin can already feel his ears buzzing. He knows he was never good with handling alcohol, yet he still likes to think better of himself.</p><p> </p><p><b>september, five years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>perfect storm</b></p><p>The first time Seungmin got wasted was at Felix and Jisung’s joint birthday party at Jisung’s apartment. Jisung had suggested it because his best friend was a coward and hadn’t had the guts to ask Felix out on a date (quite ironic since Seungmin and Jisung have been dating for a year then). Fortunately for them, Felix agreed. </p><p>Seungmin denied every chance he got whenever Jisung would bring up that day. Mostly because he was embarrassed. He claimed <em> all </em>week of their preparation for the party that he would be the most responsible drinker. But as it turns out, he was a lightweight, and a couple of drinks and he was knocked out.</p><p>It wasn’t a huge party, Felix and Jisung only invited their closest friends, and some of the people they were acquaintances with from numerous classes. Seungmin was with Jisung for most of it, sometimes he’d switch to go find Felix, other times he’d catch up with some acquaintances that had either dropped or suffered from their major.</p><p>By his third cup, Seungmin was already slurring his words. Jisung took it upon himself to help the boy out of the room and into his room (of course, kicking out the ones who had made themselves comfortable enough to make out on his bed). </p><p>“Not so responsible now, huh?” Jisung teased.</p><p>Despite the intoxication, Seungmin still had it in him to scoff, “Whatever.” </p><p>He dived in for the bed, face planted on the sheets. Jisung groaned, pulling him up, talking about sobering him up so he wouldn’t have to suffer the painful hangover the next day (at least not much). Seungmin sat on the side of the bed, eyes closed when Jisung left the room. He wasn’t sure how long Jisung was gone, but he felt someone tap his knee, and his voice echoing in the room. Or maybe just in his mind— again, intoxication, Seungmin had no idea what was going on around him.</p><p>“Minnie,” his boyfriend called, but Seungmin stayed still. “Wake up.” </p><p>Seungmin groaned, not enough energy in him to push Jisung and the water bottle he offered away. After sipping the water, Seungmin grinned, “It’s my present for you.” </p><p>Jisung would always have a new cup or water bottle whenever Seungmin would see him. He would always greet Seungmin with a new wastable plastic so, he took it upon himself to buy his boyfriend a reusable tumbler. Save mother earth, but also save Jisung’s money.</p><p>Seungmin was way quieter and less bubbly the more Jisung forced him to drink more water. He also seemed to be so fond of Jisung’s cheek that he started poking them, pouting right at him. “You’re amazing,” he mumbled. Then he squeezed Jisung’s cheeks together, his lips pouting forward making Seungmin laughed, “God, I’m so lucky to have you.”</p><p>“I’m lucky to—” Jisung didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence, retching echoed in the room and his shirt drenched in vomit, courtesy, of course, of his very drunk boyfriend. “I’m lucky to have you, too,” he still said, not a single sarcasm in his tone. “Come, let’s go clean you up.”</p><p>After Jisung changed both his and Seungmin’s clothes, (with plenty of complaints from his boyfriend), Seungmin finally lied on Jisung’s bed without further protests. Jisung jumped on the other side, softly touching Seungmin’s hands.</p><p>“Why are you staying?” Seungmin asked, pouting at his boyfriend. The reason was obvious why Jisung decided to stay behind with him in his room, Jisung was a sucker for anything romantic, but it was half his birthday party, and his guests would look for him. “You still have to, you know, do party stuff.”</p><p>Jisung smiled at Seungmin’s lack of vocabulary, running his fingers through Seungmin’s hair, calming the boy down to finally sleep. “I’d much rather spend time with you than catch up with acquaintances.” Seungmin didn’t respond then, but he wasn’t completely unconscious yet. </p><p>The reason why Seungmin would deny anything that happened that night was because he was still conscious when Jisung kissed his forehead, and his mind was still racing when he pulled him back for a kiss on the lips, mumbling how that was his birthday present even though he had already gotten something else.</p><p>(A week later for Seungmin’s birthday, Jisung kissed him, teasing how that was his birthday gift. And Seungmin retorted with, “If you're my present, does that mean I can unwrap you?”)</p><p>(It didn't take long for them to get to Jisung's apartment, locking the doors behind them.)</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b> <b><br/>
a dime a dozen</b></p><p>“Do you regret going out with me?” </p><p>“Hell no,” Jisung says, leaning on the back of his chair. Seungmin giggles at that, the alcohol already kicking in, “I regret a lot of things but dating you would never be one of that. I think we learned a lot of things from each other, went through a lot together. I still feel happy thinking about us then and I was happy then, very happy.”</p><p>Seungmin smiles at him. With the alcohol in his system, it was much harder to keep up the lies, “Thank you.”</p><p>“What do you miss most about us?” Jisung asks, slamming the thin piece of paper onto the table. Seungmin huffs, thinking deeply. “What, are there like nothing to savour?”</p><p>“No!” he answers quickly, shutting Jisung down. “It’s just— there were a lot of happy moments. I miss a lot of things. You were witty, you pretend that I cook well—”</p><p>“—You do cook well—”</p><p>“Ji, we broke up, you can admit it,” they share a laugh together. “I couldn’t cook eggs.”</p><p>“That’s a lie, it was the only thing you can cook,” Jisung pauses. “Actually, yep, you failed the first time.”</p><p>Seungmin laughs. The first time he cooked for the both of them when their schedules clashed was eggs. He knew how to cook them— you can’t possibly ruin eggs, they’re the easiest to cook! However, Seungmin had forgotten to season the eggs and Jisung had to pretend that he loved it. (Two months later, he told Seungmin about it and he sulked for days.)</p><p>His laugh dies down, staring at Jisung with a fond smile, “I miss being friends with you.” Jisung blinks, a smile is evident in his lips, but his eyes still hold regret. Seungmin clears his throat, picking up a new card. “Where was the weirdest place we had sex?”</p><p>Jisung chokes, a memory already both in their minds. “I’m thinking of a place,” Jisung starts. </p><p>Seungmin blushes, “I think I’m thinking the same one.” And they both burst into laughter once again. “You wanna take a shot together to not answer?”</p><p>“Deal.”</p><p>“But where was it?” Felix asks after watching the two take their shots, “I’m curious now!”</p><p>“You have to promise to cut this off the final video,” Seungmin warns. “It could be very bad for my reputation.”</p><p>When Felix and Hyunjin nod, Jisung begins the story, “I was working late at the studio.”</p><p>“At Chris’?” Felix shrieks, “My <em> cousin’s</em>?”</p><p>Seungmin and Jisung stare at each other, bitten laughs are choked at the back of their throats. “Yes.” Felix and Hyunjin gasp dramatically.</p><p>“It wasn’t technically a full-on sex, though,” Seungmin carefully explains. “I was just under the studio desk and you know… things happened.”</p><p>“We didn’t know Chris was still there. Seungmin said he saw him leaving the studio,” Jisung defends this time. “But then he came in, said he forgot something and he came really close to the desk to grab his headphones. And I was panicking, like shit, Seungmin’s mouth is still around my dick, I’m probably sweating and flushed.”</p><p>“Chris asked if I had dropped in already and he lied, saying I went to the washroom. Then, he left without another word.”</p><p>“You think he knew?” Jisung asks, Seungmin laughs, nodding. “He must’ve had a hunch, right?”</p><p>“I’m sure he had his doubts,” he adds, “He wanted to get out of that room as soon as possible.”</p><p>“He was also with Minho though, so he could just be rushing to meet him.”</p><p>“True, true.” Seungmin sighs, “Please delete that footage.”</p><p>“Wish I could delete it from my brain,” Hyunjin says.</p><p>“Your boyfriend asked!” the ex-couple argue in unison. A soft smile of agreeance is shared and Seungmin is beyond content to see the familiar smile again after two years. Like Jisung is back. </p><p>From the side, Felix speaks up. “Gee, move on. Pick a new card.” </p><p>Jisung complies, picking up a new card without further thoughts. “I dare you…” he smirks at Seungmin, “To kiss me on the lips. To get out of this you need to take two shots.” Seungmin picks up the bottle once more. “Eh?” Jisung asks, “Was I terrible?”</p><p>“Calm down,” Seungmin snorts, pouring himself a glass.</p><p>Jisung starts pouting his lips, teasing the younger. It brings Seungmin back to when they were dating again. That sometimes, Jisung would just be teasing him with his lips until he finally kissed him. Sometimes, Jisung would hold tight on Seungmin’s waist, begging for attention when Seungmin was cooking— because back then, he would actually pick up a spatula. Most times, he would hold Jisung’s face in place, kissing him deeply, breathing in each other. That would usually stop Jisung, if not, they would take it up in the bedroom.</p><p>“Ya!” Seungmin laughs, drinking the next shot, “Stop doing that.”</p><p>Jisung just laughs, picking up a card himself. Seungmin, if he wasn’t already before the two shots, is definitely drunk now. His sight isn’t doubling, but he can feel his face warming up, and his cheeks reddening from all the blood emitting to his cheeks. If Jisung pays closer attention, he would know Seungmin is drunk, too. One more drink and his fear will all be erased by the alcohol in his system.</p><p> </p><p><b>march, six years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>better late than never</b></p><p>Seungmin kissed Jisung first. </p><p>After his blabber mess of a confession, Jisung asked him to go out on a date. Although the night could not have started off more awkward, Jisung found a way to simmer the tension. It’s one thing to date someone, it’s another when you’re close friends with that someone and have blindly erased the line between platonic and romantic, way before you started dating.</p><p>Now, how was it awkward? See, Felix (Seungmin’s roommate then) was unaware of their planned date since it was the night of the confession and Seungmin didn’t get a chance to tell them yet. From Jisung's words, “Why wait?” And Seungmin found that inarguable so he agreed. </p><p>Seungmin was in the shower when Jisung came to pick him up for their date while Felix was on the couch, watching a show on their laptop. </p><p>“Seung, we got a visitor!” Felix screamed— or so they <em> claimed </em> they screamed. Seungmin heard <em> none </em>of it from the water running. </p><p>He never had a problem with walking around their room half undressed. The roommates were comfortable with each other enough to get dressed outside of the bathroom, or if one of them forgot something, they can just walk freely in and out of the bathroom.</p><p>But it’s different when your crush slash date is out in the room. </p><p>“Lix, can I borrow your—<em> AAAH JISUNG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY? </em>”</p><p>Jisung’s eyes widened, shifting on his chair, wondering where he should look, Felix was frankly enjoying the scene, and Seungmin was just plain mortified. </p><p>“I’m sorry, Felix let me in,” he said, hands shielding his eyes from Seungmin’s bare top, eyes glued on the tiled floor. </p><p>“Borrow my what?”</p><p>“Your um,” Seungmin struggled, buttoning his shirt up quickly from the bathroom, and coming out—this time—fully dressed. “I wanted to see if I can borrow your cologne. Ji, I’m dressed, you can put your arms down.”</p><p>Jisung peeked past his hands, making sure that Seungmin was fully dressed before dropping them to his side.</p><p>“Sure,” Felix said, eyes still glued on their laptop. “It’s by the— my, my, look at you Seungmin Kim,” they mused. “Where are you off to?” </p><p>Seungmin bit his lip, looking past Felix and to Jisung who sat properly on the couch. Felix raised an eyebrow, looking at Jisung as well, and gasped by the sudden realization that he was dressed up too. </p><p>“You guys are going on a date!” Felix exclaimed, untroubled to ask questions, they were <em> sure </em> that Seungmin was going on a date with Jisung. “It’s happening!”</p><p>“You didn’t tell them?”</p><p>“Oh, I just got home, Seungmin was already in the shower,” Felix answered for Seungmin. “God, I feel like a proud mother hen. Should I get my camera?”</p><p>“No,” Seungmin groaned, but his annoyance was immediately thrown off, appalled that at the same time, Jisung excitedly answered,</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>“I mean no,” Jisung grinned.</p><p>“Well, we’re off,” Seungmin said suddenly, hurrying past Felix and to Jisung, grabbing his arm. “We’ll be back later.”</p><p>“Or not, we can always crash at my place.” Jisung lived off dorms. He also told Seungmin earlier that he had reserved a restaurant near his place that night.</p><p>Felix smirked, “Sure.”</p><p>Seungmin grabbed his coat from the rack, immediately shutting the door behind them before Felix could make any more comments. The last thing they heard them say is “Stay safe” which wasn’t inherently dirty, but Seungmin <em> knew </em> Felix, and he knew that’s what they meant.</p><p>Jisung was the first to break the silence with just the two of them while waiting for the elevator. “So, you have a little mole on your collarbone?”</p><p>
  <em> “Jisung!”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The date was simple. Jisung knew exactly what Seungmin would’ve wanted and he also planned ahead on how to tackle the nerves he sensed they both had. They’ve eaten together, whether alone or with either or both of Hyunjin and Felix. They’ve also spent the night sleeping together at the library, pulling an all-nighter for an exam. (Seungmin later learned that Jisung didn’t have an exam to study for, he was just there for moral support.) So, a restaurant date wasn’t anything different, but at the same time it was.</p><p>Seungmin liked a lot of things about Jisung when they were dating, and one of them was the way he treated him on their first day. He also learned to love a lot of things with Jisung’s spontaneous ideas (to his counterpart, Seungmin would be vigilant to said idea before proceeding to do it).</p><p>“Thank you.” They arrived safely back to Seungmin’s dorm to what seemed like past midnight, maybe. Neither of the two checked their phones throughout the night and the sun works wonders when it’s winter.</p><p>Jisung finally let their hands breathe outside his winter coat’s pocket. Seungmin only wanted to subtly brush their fingers when walking down the street, but Jisung told him to stop beating around the bush, interlacing their hands. But their hands didn’t last long against the bitter cold’s air, so Jisung had the brilliant idea of keeping their hands inside his pocket. Romantic, but also stupid in a stranger’s eye.</p><p>In all the years Seungmin has known Jisung, he knew the boy lived his life to the fullest. But there were still times where Jisung would take a step back, look at the bigger picture before making a decision.</p><p>Walking Seungmin and standing in front of his dorm room were one of those decisions.</p><p>So, Seungmin stepped forward first, leaning to the side to avoid bumping their noses. Jisung watched Seungmin’s lip come closer, a hair of distance left when Seungmin asked if it was okay. </p><p>“Yes,” Jisung replied, closing his eyes. </p><p>At the touch of Jisung’s lips against his, Seungmin felt his knees tremble. It was a moment he never knew he had dreaded for until it was actually happening. The kiss was soft, slow and simple, both parties careful as if one wrong move could break each other. Jisung wrapped his arms around Seungmin’s neck, while the younger grabbed handfuls of his coat, pulling him even closer. Jisung parted his lips, inviting his tongue in. Seungmin, despite the element of shock on how the kiss was progressing, was kept in haze with the way Jisung controlled the kiss.</p><p>Seungmin broke the kiss first, afraid that Jisung wasn’t going to do so anytime soon (screw rappers and their huge stamina for air). They stare at each other softly, their hearts stepped forward, leaping even. </p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jisung whispered, hot breath against Seungmin’s lips.</p><p>When he entered the room, Felix was already sound asleep still on the couch instead of their bed, their laptop hanging on by the thread. Seungmin carefully closed their laptop, putting it on the table and wrapped a blanket on them.</p><p>“How was your date?” they asked. Seungmin waved his hand on their face to see if they were asleep. When Felix made no movement against the air from Seungmin’s hand, he smiled and answered,</p><p>“Everything I ever hoped for.”</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>spilt milk</b></p><p>“What do you think I should change for my next relationship?” </p><p>Jisung doesn’t even think, he just answers straight up, “Nothing. Don’t change at all.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>Jisung nods, “Yeah. You were perfect.”</p><p>“Even when I always told you I was busy?”</p><p>Jisung opens his mouth, but closes it immediately. Seungmin knew the main reason why Jisung broke up with him two years ago was because of his tight schedule. He didn't have to tell him. Weeks, maybe even months prior to their breakup, Seungmin noticed the tiny changes in Jisung’s character. He tried to fix it, tried to plead for less hours, but he was locked in a decision. If Seungmin really wanted to be in the industry, he should make sacrifices. That’s what he was told multiple times in that job.</p><p>He never knew that sacrifice had to be his relationship with Jisung. </p><p>“I think the card should ask the questions.” Seungmin frowns, shrinking on his seat, while Jisung picks up another card. “Who was the first person you made out with after we broke up?”</p><p>Seungmin pouts, “Why do I always get the kissing related questions?”</p><p>As he pours himself a drink, Jisung asks, “Do I know them?” Seungmin shakes his head no, the shot coming easier to swallow than the first however many shots it's already been. Jisung gasps, “Do <em> you </em>know them?”</p><p>The younger, now with uncontrollable laughter, replies, “I think it’s unfair you told me I can’t ask questions while proceeding to bombard me with them.”</p><p>“But, just one more question,” he tries, and before Seungmin shushes him by reading the card he already picked up, Jisung pursues to ask, “Is it Jeongin Yang?”</p><p>Seungmin drops the new card in front of him, looking at Jisung. Seungmin met Jeongin after he and Jisung broke up. He was a year younger, an intern at the same firm. It wasn't hard to get along with Jeongin, he was nice, abided by the rules, everything Seungmin would've looked for in a guy. He would've been the perfect match for him, if only he was over Jisung.</p><p>One thing though, Seungmin has never introduced Jeongin nor did he ever bring him in any of the parties Hyunjin or Felix held. “How do you know Jeongin?”</p><p>Jisung almost laughs, repeating Seungmin's question mockingly before realizing that he <em>isn't </em>supposed to know about Jeongin. The only reason Seungmin could think of is that Jisung has scrolled through his account too, and even then, <em>how </em>would he do so, when Seungmin had him blocked on Instagram?</p><p>“So, the card should ask questions,” he excuses, encouraging Seungmin to pick a new one.</p><p>“No,” Seungmin says, sternly. “We're not moving on until you tell me.”</p><p>Jisung sighs, “Fine.” Then, he looks at Hyunjin behind the camera, “Hyunjin sent me a screenshot of your post.”</p><p>Seungmin turns to Hyunjin too, then to Felix, who held the same expression as Hyunjin—like they also knew what Jisung is talking about. “Oh.” Seungmin mumbles quietly, “Is that a one-time thing?”</p><p>His ex-boyfriend shakes his head slowly. “I wanted to keep up with your life.”</p><p>“You could've,” Seungmin is angry now. “But <em>you </em>were in some sort of mission to never know anything about me after you broke up with me.”</p><p>Jisung bites the inside of his cheek, “It wasn't my decision.”</p><p>Seungmin rolls his eyes, scoffing, “Then, whose decision?”</p><p>“Yours.”</p><p>His face falls flat, so does his tone when he asks, “What?”</p><p>“Min, you had a rule to our friends to never put us in the same room. And I respected that.”</p><p>So, Jisung knew.</p><p>“Why didn't you say anything?”</p><p>He shrugs.</p><p>“Tell me, why didn't you at least try?”</p><p>He still doesn't say anything.</p><p>“Why don't yousay something, do <em>anything</em> you've always wanted to instead of just agreeing with what I want?” Jisung stays silent. “God, Jisung will you <em>please </em>say something!”</p><p>“I wanted you to give me more attention,” Jisung almost screamed. He leans back on his chair, biting the inside of his cheek to calm himself down. “That's what I've always wanted,” his words were an almost inaudible whisper.</p><p>Seungmin shrinks on his seat, staring down at his hands. “I'm sorry.” </p><p>Jisung shakes his head. “Just pick a new card.”</p><p>“Jisung—”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>Seungmin heaves out a sigh, picking up the card that fell in front of him earlier. He blinks continuously, clearing his vision from the tears and read the words properly.</p><p>“Do you think I’ll be a good husband?” </p><p>Jisung doesn’t hesitate, “Yeah.”</p><p>Seungmin pauses, dropping the card down. He stares at Jisung. There were only a few times in their relationship that Jisung was ever this serious. One that Seungmin could think of on the top of his head was their first fight and Jisung wanted to apologize. Sure, Jisung was the goofy and the fun one in the relationship, but when needed to be serious, he knew when to stop playing around.</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>With no hesitation, Jisung tells him, “Minnie, you know I wanted you to be my husband.”</p><p> </p><p><b>may, three years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>calm before storm</b></p><p>“So in five years, you know we’ll have stable careers right?” Jisung asked one morning during breakfast. It was a routine for them— Seungmin always stayed up studying, and Jisung worked at his own time, so they made a rule to at least eat breakfast together. Even if Jisung <em> hated </em>getting up in the morning, he always tried to be up to spend a little bit of time with Seungmin.</p><p>Hyunjin thought it was a miracle to see Jisung up before 1pm with no purpose to get up, but he always countered, “Who can say no to waking up with Seungmin’s kiss and the smell of fresh breakfast served? Definitely not me.” (Hyunjin faked gag at that.)</p><p>“Five years is too much, I don’t think I’d still want to be studying for my bar exams by then,” Seungmin snorted. “Give it, hm, three years.”</p><p>It was less than a year before they broke up. Jisung worked part-time from where he used to do an internship, he had full control of his hours but wasn’t the priority when looking for a producer. He was sure he'd get there in the future, and Seungmin believed that. He always believed in Jisung. Seungmin had just gotten his degree months prior, and was already on his way to getting his masters, while Jisung had successfully co-produced some songs.</p><p>Jisung thought for a while, fiddling with the sausage in front of him, biting inside his cheeks. Seungmin noticed this, Jisung knew he did because Seungmin has a habit of holding his hand whenever he sees how his boyfriend fidgeted. He let out a shaky breath, squeezing Seungmin’s hand right back. A communication to silently tell each other, it’s okay.</p><p>“Do you think we’ll be ready by then?”</p><p>Seungmin dropped the rice from his chopsticks at the sudden question. It’s not like it should be a shock, afterall, he knew neither of them planned on wasting three years only for it to end up to be nothing. Both their parents adore each other, their group of friends was one, they already lived together, it was just one more step.</p><p>“Sorry, I shouldn’t have dropped that out of nowhere,” Jisung sheepishly said, moving on from the topic. “We have this new project—”</p><p>“No, shut up,” Seungmin growled. </p><p>“Hey, hey,” Jisung called, grabbing Seungmin’s hand this time, “You don’t have to say anything.”</p><p>“But I want to,” Seungmin breathed, staring at Jisung. “I want to marry you.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s what you were thinking of?” Jisung asked, a playful smirk on his face, “I was talking about getting a jacuzzi, travelling the world maybe…”</p><p>“Shut up,” Seungmin laughed, pushing his boyfriend a little. Jisung laughed with him, holding his hand tighter than he usually does.</p><p>He placed a chaste kiss on his hand, before letting go, “Finish your breakfast or you’ll be late to work.”</p><p> </p><p>(“Hey,” Jisung called once again. Seungmin was ready to go to work, Jisung just had to finish knotting his tie while he fixed his hair with the mirror behind his short boyfriend. Seungmin hummed, watching Jisung pat his tie down, “I love you.”</p><p>Seungmin kissed Jisung briefly, “I love you, too.”</p><p>“See you later, future husband.” Seungmin blushed at the nickname. “Stay safe.”</p><p><em>Future husband</em>, he thought, a small smile on his face as he drove away. <em>It</em> <em>had a nice ring to it.</em></p><p>And he did <em> find </em> a ring for it. </p><p>Unfortunately to them, it was of no use.)</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>once bitten, twice shy</b></p><p>Seungmin feels a tear roll down his cheek and he doesn’t try to hide it this time. He wiped it with a laugh, picking up a bottle for a shot.</p><p>“Seung, you know you don’t have to drink, right?” Felix interrupts, tone more careful with their own words. </p><p>Seungmin brushes them off, picking the shot glass. Maybe through that he’ll be fine. Maybe if he drank enough, he would have the courage to ask Jisung to try again. Because he knew damn well that that was Hyunjin and Felix’s initial plan. Sure it was for a new concept on their show, but they could’ve put up an ad as they always do. Maybe the ring that was collecting dust on his night stand’s drawer will be of use one day. Maybe he can ask his hand for marriage again. Just, <em> maybe</em>. </p><p>Jisung opens his mouth, hand wanting to reach Seungmin, and Seungmin hopes he follows through, but he doesn’t. Instead, he picks up a new card and read,</p><p>“Would you go out with me again?” Jisung reads. </p><p>Seungmin smiles softly at him, still emotional, “You know the answer.”</p><p>Jisung stares at him as if to ask more, but he still refuses, and Seungmin just <em> begs </em> for him to finally just ask. To stop holding himself back, to tell Seungmin exactly what he needed to hear. He knows Jisung has moved on, but it’s obvious that he hasn’t. And Jisung sees that.</p><p>Seungmin pours himself another drink, “You know me better than anyone.”</p><p>“When did you know it was over?”</p><p>This time, Jisung pauses. There were <em> tons </em> of points where Seungmin knew it was over, but there were more thoughts where Seungmin knew they could work through it all. They <em> always </em> did. </p><p>Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough for Jisung.</p><p>Seungmin wonders why Jisung takes his time to answer, did he also feel like there were many points? Or was he just being wary of Seungmin, since he already shed a few tears while Jisung holds himself presentable still?</p><p>“When we just saw each other less and then soon it was just you and your work that I thought I was out of the picture, that I didn't have a place anymore.”</p><p>“You know I tried to always make sure you feel that you're my priority. It was hard to control my hours compared to you—”</p><p>“Are we still on that?”</p><p>“That internship was crucial for my future, Ji.”</p><p>“I was—” Jisung chokes, “I was your boyfriend, Min. Didn’t you see me in your future too?”</p><p>“I do—<em> did</em>,” Seungmin argues. “That was the peak of my career, if I had done poorly then, I wouldn’t have been able to be where I am now. Your work was just as important to you, wasn’t it?”</p><p>“But I was always there for you whenever you called.”</p><p>Seungmin smiles, agreeing, “Yeah, you were. But you were never the first to call.” There was a miniscule change on Jisung’s façade. “I don’t know if I was lacking, or that you just never thought of me as someone you can still rely on, and—” he bites his lip, “I didn’t realize I was slowly losing you.”</p><p>Jisung is quiet for a while, still biting the inside of his cheek to process the conversation. </p><p>That was the first time they talked about it. Seungmin wonders if they talked about it earlier, if they just communicated better, they wouldn’t be here. Seungmin closes his eyes, exhausted from all the what if’s, the maybe’s, the unpredictability, the way it ended. He’s so tired. </p><p>Everything that happened before they broke up was blurry in Seungmin’s mind, or at least he tries to make it as blurry as possible. He didn’t want the messy breakup to cloud the beautiful memories they shared together. He wants to hold on to those as much as he could, without the tormenting moments where the silent fights and the cold shoulder were prominent, when he stopped cooking breakfast for the both of them and instead he just left the apartment with a kiss on Jisung’s forehead while he was still sound asleep. </p><p>“Yeah,” Jisung nods, “I guess that was my biggest regret.”</p><p>“Ji,” Seungmin tries to get ahold of his hand, but Jisung doesn’t let him. Instead he picks up a bottle pouring himself a shot this time.</p><p>Seungmin then turns towards the never ending pile. Will it just <em> fucking </em>end already? Can they just get out of here? He wishes to just leave, to scream, to not have gone through all this so that his last memory of Jisung wouldn’t have to be like this.</p><p>“Do you still love me?” Jisung puts the card down, looking now at Seungmin who stared at him intensely, a smile carved across his face. The same smile he offered Jisung when he first entered their English class. Though, even if it was the same, the sentiment behind it is drastically different.</p><p>He picks up a drink, and for a moment, he wonders if Jisung was disappointed that he did. But he doesn’t dwell on that when the alcohol drains down his body. He wipes the excess alcohol on the end of his lips before looking at Jisung again.</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>Jisung breaks down, laughing at himself for finally crying after the words came out of Seungmin’s mouth. It was real. Way too real. Seungmin wants to get out of his chair, hug Jisung and never let go but he’s glued to his spot, unable to comfort the older who sobs for the simple response.</p><p> </p><p><b>november, six years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>as you leap</b></p><p>Seungmin just finished his classes for the day. Instead of returning to his own dorm room, he paid a visit to his boyfriend. He told Jisung that he wanted to hangout. Though, walking in, Jisung already knew something was wrong. Seungmin lied, saying he was fine, but the croak on his voice pushed Jisung to ask. And before he knew it, he broke down in front of Jisung.</p><p>“I failed,” he mumbled. It was a midterm exam that he studied countless nights for, he even pulled an all-nighter in the library, just to make sure he did his best. But sitting in front of the exams, everything he studied just flew right out the window and Seungmin was numb on spot. </p><p>Failing that exam would result in Seungmin’s GPA to fall down, so he has to drop it. He has no problem wasting money, but dropping the class would pull Seungmin back a term, maybe even a year from getting his masters. Jisung knew no words or advice he could give him would comfort him better than to give him a hug. Seungmin has a plan, and he thought it was foolproof. Even if he pleads for a retake, he knew the professor wouldn’t even consider. That was made clear his first day of that class.</p><p>When his sobs died down, Jisung tried his best to cheer him up again. Pulling up a film, only for Seungmin to be distracted. He ordered take out, hoping that he would eat a little, but Seungmin barely touched his food. He apologized for the way he was acting, but Jisung was understanding. He knew how important the exam was, and it wasn’t like Jisung was a god that could instantly make him feel better. </p><p>In all honesty, Seungmin knew then that his presence was all he needed. Jisung didn’t have to try to please him because whenever he’s with him, Seungmin already felt a bit better. </p><p>Seungmin stayed at Jisung’s apartment for two days then. Jisung would pull something for them to do together, and slowly the younger one started to feel better. </p><p>During one of Jisung’s plans, Seungmin was in an ecstatic mood, like he was running on cloud nine. Jisung had set up a video game, where Seungmin picked up his pride, winning against Jisung. And whenever he won, he would pull a victory dance. His boyfriend laughed at how awkward he moved, simply watching him, and almost too easily the words, “I love you” came out of his mouth. </p><p>Seungmin stopped dancing and turned around to a nonchalant Jisung still sitting on the couch. “What?” He waited for Jisung to think back to what he had just said, “Oh. I uh,” Jisung awkwardly laughed, “I meant it.”</p><p>The younger stared at him, mouth gaping, still dried out of words. “You don't have to say it back, here, let’s just—”</p><p>Seungmin kneels in front of him, slowly sitting on his lap and wrapping his arms around his neck, kissing his lips gently. They smiled at each other when Seungmin cut the kiss, then he softly mumbled, “I know I don’t have to say anything but, I love you, too.”</p><p>And even though he did mean it, he was surprised by how easily it brushes off his tongue. And the more he said it to Jisung, the more he meant it.</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>dark before dawn</b></p><p>Jisung wipes his tears, reaching his hand outwards, waiting for Seungmin to take them in. Though he didn’t hold them right away, the two held each other’s hands tightly, refusing to let go. Seungmin <em> wished </em>he had never let him go in the first place.</p><p>He sniffs, a small smile evident on his face and wiping his eyes with his other hand, “God, we’re a mess,” he jokes a little before wiping his hands with jeans. Seungmin holds Jisung’s hand tight with one hand while the other reaches out for a new card.</p><p>“Ask,” Seungmin chortles a bit, trying to read the card. His eyes are almost giving up with all the toxin intake, combined with tears, “Ask a question for your partner.</p><p>“Like, I make up my question?” Seungmin asks the ones behind the camera. They both nod before Seungmin reads the card again. </p><p>He puts down the card, stroking his ex-boyfriend’s hand as he stares at him. Jisung stares back at him with the same sheepish grin, and it reminded him so much of how they were in university. The carefree, proud and over energetic couple they used to be. The understanding, mature but can also be a playful couple.</p><p>The first time Jisung and Seungmin announced they were dating, Chris and Minho didn’t take them seriously. Chris is Felix’s cousin and was then dating Minho, Hyunjin’s co-worker at a dance studio. They placed bets that it was either fake or they were pranking them. Seungmin insisted they were, but Minho just laughed. It’s not like it was impossible, but their personalities weren't exactly compatible. Seungmin played <em> by </em> the rules while Jisung played <em> with </em>the rules. But, at the end of the day, Jisung loved Seungmin and Seungmin loved him. Where exactly did it go wrong?</p><p>There were so many questions, so many ways to ask them. Seungmin could settle for “Why did you ask me to come in?” but it felt too limited for the experiment, less their relationship. He could ask him “Are you happy?” but Seungmin knew he would be a fool to ask that question. In the end he settles with,</p><p>“Why didn’t we work?”</p><p>Jisung’s grin was wiped off soon as he heard Seungmin’s question. He bites his lip, looking at the shot glass. It was the easy way out, but Seungmin trusts Jisung. He trusts he won’t pick up the bottle now. That he would choose to talk about it, to even <em> think </em> about answering it. </p><p>Seungmin looks at their reflection from the monitor on the floor, the same one Felix is looking at. They were holding each other’s hands tightly, tears in their eyes. It looked familiar. Way too familiar when Seungmin realizes it was the <em> same </em>position they were in two years ago. Right before Jisung walked away from their apartment.</p><p>Jisung squeezes his hand, looking at him again.</p><p>“I didn't try hard enough.”</p><p>The younger shakes his head at that. Jisung did try. Even if Jisung walked away that night, he still believed that he did try everything he could. That he didn’t just wake up that morning—or afternoon, Seungmin is unsure if he left before Jisung was up—and thought that he would be the one to first let go.</p><p> </p><p><b>february, two years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>burning bridges</b></p><p>“Ji?” Seungmin asked, soon as he opened the door and saw Jisung sitting in their living room, his head down. When he looked up, he had tears in his eyes. The younger rushed to sit beside him, holding his hand. “Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong?”</p><p>Jisung squeezed his hands once, twice, many more times before he finally opened his mouth.</p><p>“There’s no easy way to say this.”</p><p>Seungmin knew from then what was happening. From those first seven words, Seungmin knew whatever would be the last to escape his lips that night would be the last thing he’d ever hear Jisung say. </p><p>“Let's breakup.”</p><p>Seungmin didn't register it at first, blinking as if to see if it was real, if he was in a stimulated dream. But nothing changed, and he felt Jisung’s grip on his hand.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“Okay?” Seungmin tried, still at loss for words. “Okay,” he said, more sure that time. Though, he supposed it didn’t really matter if he said “no”. It did raise a question in him if he had though.</p><p>Jisung bit his lip. “I think this is for the best. We haven’t been really— it’s not the same.” It wasn’t supposed to, Seungmin wanted to say. They weren't a couple of fools in university anymore, they were expected to have jobs— to have careers. Everything was changing, they were growing. </p><p>“I agree.”</p><p>“But, let’s try to be friends,” Jisung said slower. Seungmin wanted to curse then. To tell him fuck you, to curse him out for even <em> trying </em> to end in a friendly term. “I wouldn’t want any of our friends to think they have to favour one over the other.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Seungmin swallowed the curses that rose to his throat. “We should try.”</p><p>“I love you, Minnie,” Jisung said one last time, “I always will.” He squeezed his hand and left a kiss on his cheek, before closing the door behind him, the sound of the suitcase rolling echoed in the quiet room. </p><p>Seungmin stared at the floor for a moment, biting his lip. He wasn’t crying. He felt shit that he wasn’t crying. He thought that not crying meant he didn’t care, but he did. He was just so worn out that day, that he couldn’t say anything back to Jisung. He sat still on the couch, waiting for everything to dawn on him. Slowly, he realized what was done. He closed his eyes, blurred memories of the past four years flashed before him. From when he confessed first, when he kissed Jisung first, when he asked Jisung to be his boyfriend, when he asked Jisung if they should live together since he was practically at Jisung’s apartment or Jisung at Seungmin’s dorm everyday anyway. He was always ahead of him, but this time, he was behind, and he wasn’t at all prepared for anything.</p><p>He remembered their first year anniversary to their last, moving in the house and not unpacking until Chris had ordered them to, thought about their future and how they’ll have kids (potentially, that was still in the talks) and dogs (that one was for sure— or well, not anymore).</p><p>Seungmin opened his eyes, now stinging from the tears that had welled up, thinking about the four years. He held a pillow with both arms, and he just cried. The pillow was still of Jisung’s scent, Seungmin hugged it even closer then, wishing it was him instead. He wanted to run after him, but his legs betrayed him to do so, planted right on the couch, weakly, calling out Jisung’s name.</p><p>Part of him wanted to forget, to grab a bottle from their shelf, to start drinking the pain away. But he never found it in him to do that. So he hugged himself on the couch, the pillow near his face. </p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>it takes two to tango</b></p><p>“You can’t say that, Ji.”</p><p>“It’s the truth.”</p><p>Seungmin only continues to shake his head, now letting go of Jisung's hands to shove his face in his hands. </p><p>“Don’t, please,” Seungmin begs, looking at Jisung through the tears in his eyes, “Tell me you did everything. Tell me that neither of us were lacking, tell me we did everything we could, because if you don’t—”</p><p>“If I don’t then what?”</p><p>“Then that means I’m gonna hope that we worked through all that and never agreed to break up,” Seungmin sobs, “I’m gonna be hoping that our relationship didn’t end there, that we had a more proper closure so that we can fully move on.”</p><p>“What do you mean? Have you not—?” Jisung trails, and Seungmin shakes his head, hesitantly. </p><p>“Not even a little bit.”</p><p>Jisung purses his lips, taking in the newfound information he had just gotten from his ex-boyfriend. </p><p>“So with all the questions regarding after we broke up—”</p><p>“There’s no one,” Seungmin admits, quietly. </p><p>He isn’t ashamed that he done anything with anyone after Jisung. But he is a little bit embarrassed to admit the truth. Jisung had at least brought a date or two over. Of course, he was critical of his dates, telling himself that Jisung could do so much better or maybe he's doing it for a how, a fuck-you-I've-moved-on.</p><p>But he still knew Jisung. And he would never do something that petty. </p><p>The only short relationship Jisung had after they broke up was Changbin. He was different from any person Jisung brought to a gathering. With Changbin, Seungmin noticed how comfortable Jisung was. The same way— maybe even <em> more </em>comfortable than he was with Seungmin. Like they belong together. He heard from Hyunjin that Changbin was a producer too, not from the same company though, so it sparked a conflict of interest between the two. And of course, he found out from Felix a week ago that they never worked out.</p><p>Before all that, Changbin was all over Jisung’s instagram page for a couple of months. And when Seungmin snooped on Changbin’s profile, he had posted even more pictures of them together. That finally tipped him to block the both of them on Instagram. </p><p>“I just couldn't get myself to date anyone when I—” he stops himself.</p><p>“Finish it, Minnie.” Seungmin swallows a lump in his throat, restraining himself. He shakes his head. “Seungmin, please.”</p><p>It came out more as a whisper, too weak for his vocals to back him up and chokes from his tears, “<em>I only want you</em>.” </p><p>Even though he's well aware that Jisung isn’t that kind of person to gloat, he still closes his eyes, waiting for a painful sarcastic remark that might escape his lips.</p><p>“Seung—”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Why are you sorry?”</p><p>“I never wanted to do this,” he admits quietly. “This whole thing was a mistake. I knew this would happen, I knew the alcohol would drive me to confess that I still love—no, fuck, we shouldn’t.” </p><p>Seungmin gets up from his chair, almost falling over with the alcohol in his system. Jisung stands up, holding him stable. Once he regains his balance, he pushes past Jisung.</p><p>“Seungmin,” Jisung tries to get a hold of him, but he insists to leave the studio all at once. “Please listen to me first.”</p><p>“I can’t, Ji,” Seungmin says, turning around to face him again. “I can’t listen to whatever you have to say without hoping. I would be the biggest fool to hope again.”</p><p>“Why not?” Seungmin doesn’t speak. “Seungmin, I—” He simply shakes his head and that was enough for Jisung to stop.</p><p>Seungmin falls on the ground just outside, crying on his knees. He regrets now more than ever that he agreed to the experiment. How foolish of Seungmin to ever think this is it— their second chance at love, their next attempt at a relationship. </p><p> </p><p><b>february, two years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>let sleeping dogs lie</b></p><p>“Your internship called me as your emergency contact. They said you were supposed to come in today,” Felix said, offering a glass of water for Seungmin.</p><p>Seungmin tried to say something, but his mouth was dry, everything was dry. He stopped crying earlier, unable to produce more tears, so he just sat like a brick in the living room. He drank the water Felix had offered, trying to utter words again. </p><p>“He broke up with me,” Seungmin said, wiping the excess water with the back of his hand. He wasn’t sure if Felix or Hyunjin already knew, but he still told them. Saying it out loud didn’t make him feel any better, it only made it more real. And it hurt him more all over again. “He left yesterday, his clothes were ready. <em> He </em>was ready.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Seungmin shook his head, “It was about time.”</p><p>Felix pulled him closer, resting their head on top of Seungmin’s head. Seungmin wanted to cry again. Crying was supposed to make you feel better— to let the emotions escape, a trigger in the brain that instead of our bodies keeping it all inside of us, we cry to let go. </p><p>But how many times does Seungmin have to cry? How many more hours was he supposed to hug the pillow now soaked in tears? It didn’t even smell like Jisung anymore, it was just a cushion full of wet stains.</p><p>He hadn’t realized he asked those out loud. Only when Felix hugged him tighter did he realize he did, and their soft mumbles of: “Shh, I’m here for you.”</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>throw caution to the wind</b></p><p>Felix walked out of the building not even a few minutes since Seungmin left, offering him a water bottle. Exactly how they did two years ago. Seungmin brushes the tears away and throws the cap of the bottle open, not caring about the water running down his neck.</p><p>“Woah, slow down, you’ll drown yourself." Felix attempts to take the bottle away from him, but Seungmin doesn't let then take if away. </p><p>“Still here after five years, huh?” he chuckles. The water bottle is worn out now, scratches everywhere on the stainless bottle, but Seungmin knew exactly whose it was. After all, he bought it himself. Felix looks at him, brushing his bangs away. He realizes then that he’s sweating, but his mind is too busy sending signals to his tear duct. “Don’t look at me like that.”</p><p>“I’m not looking at you like that,” they mumble, frowning. “How exactly was I looking at you?”</p><p>“With pity,” he almost throws up, metaphorically. Though, the more he thinks about it, the vomit may not be just a metaphor. “I hate when you look at me like that.”</p><p>“He asked me to give you the bottle.”</p><p>“Why not him?”</p><p>“You know why.”</p><p>“Did I fuck up again?”</p><p>“Do you want me to be honest?” Seungmin deadpans at them. Felix throws their hands up. “Hyunjin and I initially thought it would work,” they admit quietly. “We wanted you two to at least fix whatever is left of your relationship. You were friends for six years, Seung. Hyun and I thought that would at least be enough. Tackle all that relationship built up questions, then try to build bridges again.”</p><p>“You can’t save burned bridges.” Felix agrees quietly now. “Thank you,” Seungmin sadly smiles, “For trying. Sorry we failed your experiment.”</p><p>Felix is about to say something when the door slams open again. Seungmin’s heart stops. Only <em> one </em>person he knew in that room would open a door like that. They turn back to the entrance, Jisung is looking everywhere but down on the sidewalk where Seungmin and Felix are seated.</p><p>“I should go,” Felix says, getting up. They help Seungmin up with them, whispering, “You got this, okay? Hyunjin also gave permission to punch him.”</p><p>Seungmin quietly laughs. Felix isn’t exactly quiet when whispering, so Jisung is still able to hear their words. Before going back in, Felix gives Jisung a look, patting his shoulder. Then, they’re gone.</p><p>“Someone told me earlier to just say something that I want so, I'm here.” Jisung begins. Seungmin stares at him. “<em>You</em> told me that. Earlier you—”</p><p>“No, I get it,” Seungmin interrupts.</p><p>“Okay," he pauses again. "Sorry.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>Jisung tries to continue his sentence, but he resorts on biting the inside of his cheek again. “God— how do I word this?”</p><p>“Just say it.”</p><p>“I asked Felix to make us their next test subjects.” </p><p>Seungmin tilts his head. If he recalls correctly, Felix told him that Jisung only chose him as the ex he’d do the experiment with, that Felix ran out of options to ask and Jisung was going to be half of the guest. Seungmin tries to form a coherent question, but he’s drained out of questions, drained out of words, so he simply asks;</p><p>“Why?” Jisung shrugs. Seungmin scoffs, his voice raising, “There must be a reason, Jisung. You can’t just trot into my life like this only for you to not have an answer. You’ve grown past spontaneous. Why did you ask for us to be guests?”</p><p>“I wanted to clear things out with you,” he finally admits. Seungmin sees the same defeated look Jisung always holds when he has nothing to hide. His shoulders shrink in shame. “When I first saw the posted videos, I thought of you… and me… of us.”</p><p>“There’s no us anymore.”</p><p>“I know that,” Jisung puffs his cheeks, breathing the air out all at once. “And I know that you hated me for a long time—”</p><p>“—I still do—”</p><p>“—but once Felix told me that you agreed to do this with me,” he runs his fingers through his hair, struggling to come up with words, “All week, I just— it’s ridiculous because instead of the bad things, all I remember was how happy we were together. And while we were in there, laughing and talking, I spiraled again, and,” Jisung pauses, mustering his courage. “I missed us,” he lets out a weak chuckle, “I missed <em> you.</em>”</p><p>“<em>You </em> broke up with <em> me</em>.” Seungmin tries to vent out anger through his words, but it comes out fragile, like one more word from Jisung and he’s back two years ago. On that couch, tired and helpless. “You shouldn’t—you <em> can’t </em> say these things to me.” <em> Not now, not ever. </em></p><p>He watches Jisung still scramble to find a response carefully. Jisung was always sure what to say to Seungmin, he proved that when he broke up with him. But the Jisung who stood in front of him now was testing around the waters, afraid of saying the wrong thing because he knew one wrong word and it's over again. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Jisung surrenders. “But I don’t want to regret letting you walk away without knowing if there’s a slight chance that you missed us too.” Sheepishly, he adds, “If you missed me, too.” He pauses, catching his breath, “And if it’s insane to ask if you want to try this, try <em> us </em> again.”</p><p>Seungmin doesn’t say anything. The words were bitten back, choking him out of fear. Fear that Jisung might leave him again, or that he’d fuck up and accidentally drive him away himself. That maybe second chances aren’t for everyone and he and Jisung should just move on. To accept that whatever they had all those years ago <em> should </em>be in the past.</p><p>When the silence stretches out longer, Jisung almost resigns back to the studio but Seungmin’s voice catches him before he completely breaks off.</p><p>“Wait—” </p><p> </p><p><b>december, four years ago</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>in seventh heaven</b></p><p>The happiest memory Seungmin could think of with Jisung (and keep in mind, there were<em> a lot</em> to choose from) was their first Christmas in their shared apartment together. They’ve just moved in, boxes were still piled in the kitchen, the dining area, the living room, even their bedroom. The only one ready for them to use with no obstacles is the bathroom (which was the most important room, according to Jisung’s list). (Minho also told them that he won’t be visiting them until everything was functional; Jisung cheered at that, saying he had finally gotten rid of the older.)</p><p>The apartment was dainty, perfect for the couple to start off with a low financial budget. Seungmin had asked Jisung to move in together a couple months ago, and he was up on his feet, ready to find an apartment soon as he said yes. </p><p>“Min,” Jisung cooed, nudging his boyfriend softly to wake him up. Seungmin groaned, averting his body to the other side away from where Jisung’s voice came from. Of course, that didn’t stop him. “Minnie,” he called again, this time on the floor where Seungmin was now facing.</p><p>“Go away,” Seungmin grouched, pushing his boyfriend’s face, and turning back again to the empty side of the bed.</p><p>That was when Jisung jumped on Seungmin, leaving pecks of kisses on his face, calling his name ever so often, sometimes even tickling Seungmin just to get him up. Seungmin couldn’t put up a fight, laughing from the tickles and the smooches, begging for Jisung to stop but he proceeded anyway.</p><p>“Ji,” he whined, finally opening his eyes. “Let me sleep.”</p><p>“I would but it’s Christmas!” he said cheerily, “Our first Christmas!”</p><p>“We’ve been friends for four years, dating for two of those years, <em> this </em>isn’t our first Christmas together.”</p><p>“Our first Christmas in <em> this </em> apartment!” Jisung corrected, getting off his boyfriend to drag him up. “Come <em> onnnn.</em>”</p><p>Seungmin inevitably (but willingly) let his boyfriend drag him out the living room to sit by the fireplace and the tree. There were mugs already ready for them on the floor (their couch has not been delivered). They sat by the fireplace, Seungmin still drowsy from just waking up, but Jisung never let his energy go down with him. He would never let his boyfriend’s fatigue get in the way of his Christmas spirit. </p><p>“Here,” Jisung finally said, propping a small present he got for Seungmin. </p><p>“Hey, we promised no presents this year,” Seungmin pouted. They swore to each other to not buy anything extra since getting the apartment, that included presents, but Seungmin himself didn’t even keep that promise either. </p><p>“Please,” Jisung huffed. “This isn’t extra expenses, it’s for <em> you</em>.”</p><p>Seungmin would be lying if that didn’t make him blush. Not that Jisung ever failed at that. He took the present, putting it on the side, crawling to the back of the tree. </p><p>“Min, what the—” he popped back out, a slightly bigger box in hand. “And you dare guilt trip me.”</p><p>“As if it worked,” Seungmin rolled his eyes, a laugh trapped on the back of his throat. “Let’s open them together.”</p><p>Jisung counted down for them before going ballistic with tearing the present down. Seungmin opened his present first, the engraved printing on the box already forced his mouth open. He took the watch out of the box, the silver band shining on him. “One day, you’re going to be busy, you’ll need a watch to keep track. And every step of the way,” Jisung turned the face away from Seungmin; a soft engraving of his boyfriend's initials, “I’ll be there.”</p><p>“I love you.” </p><p>Jisung smiled, “I love you, too.” Then, he turned to the present on his hands. “Now, where do I plug this mixtape in?”</p><p>“It’s not actually a mixtape, they don’t sell them anymore,” Seungmin frowned. “But they make mixtape themed hard drives.”</p><p>He looked at the mixtape—or suppose, hard drive—again, “You’re kidding. <em> This </em> is a hard drive?” </p><p>“Yep!” Seungmin giggled, “Chris actually helped me so you don’t run out of storage quickly or something like that. He had me in the first half but he lost me with a lot of technical words.”</p><p>“God, I’m so in love with you.”</p><p>“I was expecting a thank-you but I’m so in love with you, too.”</p><p>Jisung leaned in, pressing a kiss on Seungmin’s lips. “How about that as a thank-you?”</p><p>“Hm,” Seungmin teased, “Could give me a little bit more.”</p><p>Jisung kissed him on the lips again, a little bit longer before trailing down his neck. Seungmin threw his head back, giving Jisung plenty of room to leave kisses. His arms rested on Jisung’s shoulder, growing weak each second his lips are against his bare skin. Seungmin snapped his head back, pulling Jisung’s lips for another kiss. He grabbed a handful of his shirt, tugging at it, asking to take it off.</p><p>“You wanna do this right now?” Jisung asked, breaking the kiss. Seungmin nodded, pressing his lips against his boyfriend once more. Seungmin climbed onto his lap, towering to deepen the kiss. With Jisung’s bitter taste against his sweet tongue, Seungmin only got more eager, both of them letting out muffled moans. Jisung’s fingers traveled underneath his shirt, sending shivers down the younger’s spine. Seungmin tugged on his shirt again, and Jisung pulled back. “The turkey is in the oven.”</p><p>Seungmin hummed, peppering Jisung’s neck with pecks, “The turkey can wait.” Jisung laughed uncharacteristically. Seungmin found his way back to his lips, before getting up from the floor, pulling Jisung up with him. </p><p>“We don’t have a turkey in the oven.” Jisung whispered, wrapping his arm around Seungmin’s neck, lips merely apart from his, “They’re too expensive.”</p><p>Seungmin laughed, “I know.” He kissed Jisung again, walking backwards to the bedroom. He cut the kiss briefly to shut the door behind them. </p><p> </p><p>(Jisung later asked, while Seungmin was nested underneath him, if Seungmin was happy with him. Usually after sex, Jisung gets particularly emotional. Of course, on a regular day, Jisung <em> is </em>still very emotional, but he’s slightly less emotional and he preferred not to ask any “silly questions” regarding their relationship.</p><p>And in those particular moments, Seungmin wouldn’t have it in him to even tease the older, as he was sometimes just as emotional as him. He towered over Jisung, just enough for his boyfriend to see the genuinity in his answer, “Always.”</p><p>Because he <em> was </em> always happy with Jisung. Jisung was safe, his comfort, he knew just what to say or do— Jisung is who Seungmin chose to be with because above all those, Jisung made him feel loved. And he let Seungmin return the same love for him.)</p><p> </p><p><b>present day</b><b><br/>
</b> <b>crossing the bridge</b></p><p>“I can’t promise anything,” Seungmin begins, his hands trembling. “I’m not sure if I’ll be better this time around. I’m—” he stops, gathering more of his thoughts together. “I’m <em> scared</em>,” he admits, finally letting his guard down. “But I want to try, I’m willing to, I just…” he pauses, breathing out of his mouth, “I need you to be a little bit more patient with me.</p><p>“It’s not gonna be easy, you know that already.” Jisung steps forward. Seungmin slowly drops his shoulders, calming down, encouraging the latter to take another step closer as he encourages Seungmin to form his thoughts. “We’re no longer in university, <em> this </em> is real life—real <em> adult </em> life and,” Seungmin is unable to finish his sentence. Jisung now holds his hand. </p><p>“I’ll put more effort,” Jisung offers. “We’ll have our careers, it will clash with schedules, that in itself is inevitable. But if we try harder, we can make it work.”</p><p>“I don’t wanna jump right into it,” Seungmin discloses, carefully watching the micro changes in Jisung’s expression.</p><p>Then softly, he nods, stroking the back of Seungmin’s hand. “We don’t have to,” he reassures him, “We’ll take it slow. See where it takes us, I’ll take you out on dates, just like before. Then, when we’re both ready, we’ll figure it out together.”</p><p>“But how exactly will we know?”</p><p>“By healthy communication,” Jisung shrugs, chuckling softly.</p><p>Seungmin takes the first step again, wrapping his arms around Jisung’s waist, to pull him closer. He nuzzles his head on his shoulder, while Jisung ruffles his hair as he rests his chin on Seungmin’s shoulder. </p><p>For the first time in two years, Seungmin is relieved. He keeps his eyes closed, wanting to pull Jisung closer if it’s possible, to pay off the two years that he wasn’t with him. There's still a long way to go, changes they'd have to fix, a lot of communication from both parties to make it work. It will be exhausting, Seungmin knew it would be, but at least now, he has someone to walk with through it all. And it isn't as bad as it seemed.</p><p>Seungmin holds on tighter, because after two damned years, he is finally completely and ardently content. And it's in the same place he's always dreamed of.</p><p> </p><p><b>a sign of things to come</b> <b><br/>
</b> <b>as right as rain</b></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>fin. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <span class="small">half my tabs were idioms, the other half was me searching for a different word, but thank you for reading! ♡ now go stream seungsung's cover.</span>
</p><p>  <span class="small">thank you <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frooster">m</a> for beta'ing and letting me ramble as always.</span><br/> <br/>  <span class="small"><a href="https://twitter.com/seungcentric">twitter</a></span></p></blockquote></div></div>
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